How do you come across?

According to Neurolinguistic Programming there are three elements to communication. Body Language, Tonality and Words. In a previous blog article, we were looking at Words. Now we are going to explore the other two. NLP theory suggests that Body Language and Tonality are much more important than the content itself, or at least as humans we take our cues more from what we see someone else do and from the tone that the person is using than from what is being said. Our instinct is look for corroboration of the content or we will mistrust it. In other words, Delivery must be congruent with Content for communication to be effective. The trouble is, I often see that clients of mine have no idea what subtext message they are broadcasting by their delivery and then wonder why their Personal Presence is not good. My Operations Director then reminds me to take a good look in the mirror too!

We all need to be conscious of our Delivery, therefore. You can make huge mistakes in Communication and not have any idea that you have made any. You are just left with the annoyance that the other person has reacted strangely or irrationally.

Starting with Body Language, you probably already know you should mirror your business contact if you want to develop “Bonding and Rapport.” Getting “in sync” is much easier if you know what kind of personality you are dealing with.

However, if you want to develop Personal Presence you need to be aware of your own natural style. If you are Dominant, then you will be comfortable with taking control of almost any social situation. The danger inherent in this is that you could appear to be aggressive and difficult to deal with.

If you are a Steady Relator you will be much gentler and more understanding of others with whom you are interacting. That might mean you come across as weak and lacking in confidence.
If you are an Influencer you will thoroughly enjoy the social interaction, even with strangers. If you are extreme in this trait you are probably leaving others with a headache when you have left.
If you are a Cautious Thinker you will probably find projecting a Personal Presence a challenge because you are not comfortable in social interaction to start with. However, your stillness and concentration can be intriguing and powerful.

If you strongly exhibit any one of these Behaviour Styles then your Delivery is more than likely undermining your Personal Presence. In order to have strong Personal Presence you need a balance. You need to appear confident and relaxed in what might otherwise be a stressful situation. If you can stand still and silent and yet command the room, if you can enter a room or appear on a screen with casual power then you have a high level of Personal Presence before you have even said a word. You can master this; be aware of your natural strengths and weaknesses. Use your Body Language strengths to show confidence and work on lessening the impact of your weaknesses.

You must also be aware that people can spot incongruities between what you say with your words and what you say with your body. If you are shaking your head then that negative message will take precedence over any positive thing you might say. I find, for example, that I am a poor liar. My words say one thing and I give it all away with an unconscious movement or inflection.

The other half of Delivery is Tonality. Tonality covers the qualities of your voice; pitch, rhythm, cadence, volume and speed. When you study Bonding and Rapport you learn that if you want someone to listen to you, you probably need to make sure you are not speaking in a monotone for example, unless, of course, your hearer is speaking in a monotone. Leaving aside how you need to adapt your tonality to the person you are speaking to, you will have your own “natural” tonality. This will shine thorough all your speech, so it is something you need to be aware of. Good communicators want to be easy to listen to. It is unlikely that you will need to do anything other than be mindful of habits you might have that could be distracting. Do you speak too loudly or too softly? Do you speak too fast or then again do you tend to sound languid? Do you have a tendency to be come across too dramatic or are you not varying your delivery enough? Just being aware of your own tonality is powerful self-knowledge and will allow you to use your natural tendencies or allow you to think how you might want to mitigate them.

Practical Exercises
Take a DISC assessment. If you are a client of Sandler you probably had a DISC assessment as you joined the training programme. If you have not had one done or it was a long time ago, take the assessment. Knowing your own DISC style is powerful. With it you will know what your body language and tonality is likely to be, particularly under pressure. This will allow you to make conscious decisions as to whether you want to practice delivering slightly differently. Although DISC assessments look at your “hard wiring” and tend to be the same over decades, be aware that life experiences can change your Behaviour Style. For decades I was a High I/D. I am now High S with some I and a little bit of D!
Record yourself. Ideally record yourself in a discussion with somebody on a video call. Take note of your body language. What are you doing with your hands? Do you fidget or do you sit rock still? Do you tend to lean in or lounge back? What expressions do you make and do you look them in the eye or stare off into space? Analyse your tonality. What is the music of your voice like? Is there anything you would like to change about it?
Ask someone you trust. Ask somebody who has your best interests at heart how your delivery comes across. You might be very surprised; even with a recording you might find yourself easier to listen to than others might think or you might be too harsh on yourself. Most people are very critical of themselves and often do not want to see themselves on camera.
Get professional guidance. You might need some help if there are elements of your delivery that you cannot change easily and you feel need to change. Accents, unless they are unintelligible to your target market, do not need to be changed. Poor speech, getting in the way of the message you want to convey, might need to change.
Admit your weakness. If there are things that you cannot change about your Delivery that you wish you could, at least you can mitigate the negative impact. Flagging up with your client or potential client your own deficiencies will allow them to be less impacting. Saying things like “I tend to stammer when I’m under pressure,” will help ease the tension in the meeting, and ease the pressure on you. “I tend to be a bit dramatic, if I get too much, please tell me.” They will not have to tell you anything as they will already have forgiven you before you started. This is a perfect example of the Sandler Rule “Blow the bomb upfront”. Your apparent weakness becomes a strength.

Conclusion
Delivery is as important as Content to be good at Communication. You need to be aware of your own Delivery strengths and weaknesses. You might have to work on your weaknesses or at least mitigate them. If you are trying to come across as authentic in your Content, then you must make sure your body language is not giving a different message.